Give Me An "A" for "Awesome!!!"

Dear Curtis Stone,

A change has to be made. I cannot, I will not allow you to negatively influence my life anymore! At some point, I just have to accept the fact that you are a supreme douche-canoe and move on with my life. The road ahead is sure to be difficult, but I am optimistic that positivity will prevail! The truth will set you free! Keep hope alive! Another exclamatory phrase!

To show you how positively positive I am now, here’s a handful of things that make me want to grab cousin Larry and do the happy dance…

1. Having the urge to laugh at a totally inappropriate time or place.

Chuckling in church? Yowsa. Snickering in school? Bring it. Laughing is one of the best things in the world anyway; but feeling that little tickle in your tummy as you realize what’s about to happen…there aren’t many things as enjoyable. The best course of action when this happens is to flee the scene, which is always difficult because as everyone knows, the only sure-fire way to keep those guffaws under wraps is to remain perfectly still and avoid all eye-contact. Any sort of movement will undoubtedly trigger the first audible giggle, and then all bets are off. And don’t even think about trying to escape any situation where people are sitting in rows (see: church, ballet, wedding…) It is biologically impossible to stifle laughter while scooting in front of people and trying to mumble “excuse me” over and over. So stay in your seat, think of something sad (the SPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan singing always work for me) and just enjoy the feeling!

2. People who high-five excessively.

I love love love to be on the receiving end of a high-five, it just tickles my funny bone! I am not a very confident high-fiver though, so it always makes me wonder what goes through a person’s head that makes them proclaim, “I am so pumped right now! I must connect five of my fingers with the five fingers of someone near me!” Well I am more than willing to be that individual. The problem though, is that I love high-fivers a little too much, and once that ball starts rolling I begin to feel the need to high-five any and all situations. New job? High-five! Got an “A” on a test? High-five! Kick-ass parking spot at the mall? You guessed it…high-five! Don’t even get me started about how awesome double high-fives are…

3. Finally remembering something you’d been trying to recall.

You know how it feels, not being able to remember something; but knowing full well the “something” is somewhere in your brain…if you could only find it! What was her name again? Who wrote that one song? Where were we that one time on that one day when that one thing happened? The agony. Oh, but when you do finally remember that “something”; hot damn it feels good! Never mind the fact that you just screamed out “Snuffleupagus!” in the middle of the post office (because it’s a proven fact that when you finally do remember the “something”, the name/phrase comes flying out of your mouth at insane decibel levels), you can now breathe a sigh of relief. The torture is over, move on with your life.

4. Getting engaged.

No jokes here, getting engaged is seriously awesome. You were lucky enough to meet the person you’ve decided to spend the rest of your life with, and now it’s official! So rejoice in the excitement of the upcoming months. There’s going to be planning, tons of planning…and presents, so many presents! There’s also quite a bit of coordinating…and mediating…and decision making…and money spending. A lot of money spending. Come to think of it, there’s a lot of writing too! Wedding invitations, rsvp cards, shower invitations, bachelor/bachelorette party invitations; and the thank you notes!! Oh my, the thousands of thank you notes you will write! The amount of money you will spend on stamps alone is really going to make you smile. Just remember, it is a lot of work, but with a huge payoff in the end (the open bar helps). Getting engaged is awesome… but being married is better. Congratulations Brandon and Talya!

-JR

I Need To Have PETA On Speed Dial

Dear Curtis Stone,

You are a big fat meanie. I stupidly let a little bit of my personal side come through on the last post, with regards to my feelings towards the great white shark; and you had to go and basically punch me in the face. Not basically. Maybe figuratively. Maybe photographically. Aquatically? I don’t know, I’m still reeling with hurt. What I do know is that after I professed my love/hate/fear relationship with the great white, you somehow managed to make sure that I see this:

What a beautiful wedding cake you say? How interesting! How innovative! How…what the hell is it? At first glance I thought it was crabmeat which in and of itself would be rude. I’m allergic to shellfish jerk!! And I don’t know how your mother raised you, but threatening someone with the possibility of anaphylactic shock is no laughing matter let me assure you. While I was calling the authorities to report this obvious death threat, I looked a little more closely at the cake, and realized that it’s not crab! You don’t want me dead! Wait…is that what I think it is? What the….

That’s right boys and girls. SLAUGHTERED GREAT WHITE SHARKS!!!!!

After I cleaned up the vomit and tears, I observed a moment of silence for the massacre before me. What makes it even more disgusting Curtis, is that the sharks are very small…like a baby shark would be…which means you endorse killing babies. Wow. I can’t speak any more of this, it’s too upsetting. So I’ll do the one thing that calms me down, which means I need to bake something.

How do you feel about a kangaroo themed cake?

-JR

All Creatures Are God's Children

Dear Curtis Stone,

I’ve heard that there are some pretty crazy animals in your native Australia, but I don’t live there so who cares. Unless of course there’s some sort of land/water hybrid that is capable of running through the outback, swimming across the Indian Ocean, around the tip of Africa, and up through the South and North Atlantic Oceans. But I’m not too worried about that. I mean, what are the odds of two horrible things from Australia coming over to America in the same century? There are some species here in the States though that really freak me out/make me cry/scare me/gross me out/annoy me. So here are the nominees, in no particular order:

1. The Ferret

What. The. Hell. It’s like there was a deadline to meet 2,500 years ago to get a ferret prototype out on the market and somebody dropped the ball. So the project manager was all, “Come on boys, we can’t let corporate down! Somebody grab a snake, dip it in glue, roll it in pubes, and stick some tiny legs on it. What? That’s gross? Well stick a baby bear head on it and prepare to fall in love.” I am certain that had this been a challenge on Celebrity Apprentice, Donald Trump would not have been amused…you’re fired.

2. The Crane Fly

More commonly known as the “mosquito hawk”, these crazy fools need an intervention asap. Ever notice how they always fly around in groups? This can only mean one thing…they love to party. Also ever notice that they seem to have considerable trouble maintaining a consistent altitude? They’re always going up and down, up and down…well it’s because they’re drunk. These guys can’t hang. They love the night life, or at least a well lit porch; but not unlike most 110 lb 16 year old girls at their first frat party, they are in way over their heads. The species are very different, but the outcome is often the same. They wake up flat on their backs somewhere saying, “What happened last night?”

3. The Mediterranean Gecko

Awww, I feel bad for this little guy. I don’t think he ever intended to be clear at all! Obviously what happened was that he was in homeroom one day, sitting alone of course because he wasn’t that popular; and overheard some jock-geckos talking about how “cool” it would be to be see-through. Jocks are known for being buttheads, and jock-geckos are no different. Well Mr. Unpopular, secretly wanting nothing more than to fit it with the cool-g’s, decides then and there to become clear! After school he goes home and drinks a potion (given to him by the local apothecary-gecko of course), that will turn his skin translucent overnight. Imagine the horror the next day when he struts into the pep rally in all his crystalline glory, only to be met with laughter and ridicule. I’m sure this little trooper put on a brave face and tried to laugh it off, but I’m willing to bet he was crying on the inside…and unfortunately everyone could see it.

4. The Tarantula

I’m against wearing fur, and basically this non-pc mf has decided to wear a fur coat every day of its life. Enough said.

5. The Great White Shark

The feelings I have toward the great white are very complex. And seeing as how I have no psychological training whatsoever, I have diagnosed myself as suffering from Stockholm syndrome. Great whites scare the freckles off of me, always have. Ever since I was five years old and saw Jaws (thanks Dad) I’ve had this completely irrational fear of them; but at the same time, if one were standing here next to me and said, “Hey sexy, fancy a moonlight dip in the ocean?”, I know where I’d be tonight.

I think I hear a dingo eating my baby,

-JR

Insult Your Relatives!! Or...Insults Are Relative.

Dear Curtis Stone,

I’ve been thinking about how I might react were we ever to meet in person, and frankly the idea of seeing you face to face has turned my brunette locks gray overnight. You see Curtis, while you claim to be a gentleman; I am the epitome of a lady. And no matter what amount of hatred I have for you on the inside, I would rather slide teeth first down a chalkboard than be rude to your tanned Australian mug. Luckily for both of us though, there are five phrases that when spoken immediately before or after an insult, make everything ok!! Here’s the breakdown, with an example of each for your future reference:

1. Don’t take this the wrong way…

“Don’t take this the wrong way…but I would rather chew on tinfoil than listen to you speak for another minute.” See? The person was clearly instructed to not take it the wrong way, so no harm done!

2. Hey, the truth hurts…

“Cute? Actually no, your baby isn’t cute at all; but he was awesome in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Hey, the truth hurts…” The truth does hurt! You are simply stating a fact. And by definition a fact is a pragmatic truth!

3. I’m just saying…

“Look, I realize your daughter is only five years-old, and I think it’s great that she can play the piano. But would it kill her to put a little feeling behind her rendition of Moonlight Sonata? She’s not going to amount to much at this rate…I’m just saying.” What a good friend you are! Two words: constructive criticism.

4. With all do respect…

“With all do respect sir; you are a supreme douche-canoe.” Let’s face it, even DC’s need to be told what’s what every once in a while, but should always know they are respected. It’s practically a compliment!

5. That totally came out the wrong way…

“I hate you and never want to see you again. Wait, that totally came out the wrong way…What I meant to say was, I love you! Wait, that totally came out the wrong way…” This is a personal favorite of mine because it can be repeated over and over until both parties are so confused that you can then just run away. Just make sure you’re the fast one.


I hope this helps you not be such a butthead. Wait, that totally came out the wrong way…

-JR

Harmless Bobcats or WMD?

Dear Curtis Stone,

I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that you love to breed bobcats, which would totally explain the headline I just saw on my local newspaper’s website….


Bobcat Captured In Downtown Houston
Bobcat Found In Parking Garage

How could you? Look, come after me if you want; I think we both know who would win that battle anyway. But releasing bobcats into parking garages throughout the 4th largest city in the United States? That’s a bit excessive, even for you. I mean, on one hand it’s not like your bad-ass enough to release an actual lion or anything, but that’s just how an evil genius like you operates isn’t it Curtis? You don’t pull out the big guns, or cats rather; instead you release a mammal that may appear to be a normal house cat to the untrained eye. So that the unlucky individual who stupidly skipped school on “Let’s Learn About Bobcats” day would no doubt try and pet the harmless kitty; the massacre that would then unfold would be their fault, not yours. Maybe next time you should just throw a friendly great white into my grandma's swimming pool?



Well played Mr. Stone, well played.


-JR

Pet Peeves Make Horrible Pets

Dear Curtis Stone,

I’m sure you are perfect and never do anything annoying. But just in case, I thought I’d let you know some of my personal pet peeves; certain actions, sayings etc that really chap my hide. I figure that on the off chance that any of these apply to you, you can just stop doing them and I may hate you a little less.

1. People who pronounce the word “probably” like “probly”, or even worse…”prolly”. Seriously? Hey chick who just said “I’m really craving Italian food so I’m prolly gonna go eat at the Olive Garden”; I’m willing to bet that your mouth is capable of handling all kinds of things, try a three-syllable word once in a while.

2. Along the same lines as the pet peeve listed above is the very common mispronunciation of the word “supposedly”. Does everyone notice the sexy little “d” between the “e” and the “l”? You do? Good. Then under no circumstances should it ever, ever be pronounced “supposably”.

3. To the twenty-year old who just called me ma’am: Looking like Zac Ephron does not give you a free pass to call me names. I’m not a cougar, I don’t want to take you home and make you my boy-toy; you look like an embryo to me. In fact, I’m convinced that whatever you’re doing with your hair is just going to look like a cheap toupee in about 5 years. (I’m also speaking to you Justin Bieber.)

-I’m starting to get highly agitated just thinking about all of this, so let’s wrap this up with one of my all-time faves.

4. To all of you out there (skateboarders and snowboarders excluded, they all have a firm grasp on this concept), to do a complete 180 means to do the opposite of what you are currently doing. It can be a major life change or the simple act of turning around (see: about-face). If misused though, and the phrase “do a complete 360” is instead spoken; then spin around in a circle until you fall over because I have no use for you.


Namaste my dear,

JR

So Cocky....

I was sitting here trying to think of a weekend play list in honor of Casey's big 30, but Casey is not really into music and the only song I could think of was a Kid Rock song- something about being cocky....

As you both know we are having a party this weekend in honor of Casey and our parties are always so sophisticated and under control (Curtis is not invited this time). So, I have created a drinking game:

If Casey accuses you of ‘perpetrating’ take a drink

If Casey says ‘that’s money’ take a drink

If Casey says ‘nicely done’ take a drink

If Casey says ‘well played’ take a drink

Take a drink if Casey uses the wrong word or a common expression in the wrong context. (For example, if he asks you if you have saved up a goose egg instead of a nest egg)

If someone makes fun of Casey for being bald take two drinks

If Casey says ‘touché’ make him take a drink

If Casey makes up his own words to a song everybody drink a margarita

If Casey makes up his own words to a song that uses the words ‘nicely done’ and ‘that’s money’ DO NOT drink, he is fucking with you

If Shana mentions how much she misses Boomer pour a shot into his dog bowl

Take a long, slow drink every time Allison long blinks

If Allison / Jocelyn fall asleep (pass out) prior to midnight do three shots

If any one asks Chris F. to do any sort of math, make them do a shot

If Chris R. wants to argue any political point, shots for everybody, then continue with caution

If Jocelyn calls anyone a douche-canoe, we all drink because that is so funny!

If Shana mentions any sort of microphone or singing contest, please remove all drinks from her reach and everyone go to bed