Dear Curtis Stone,
I’ve heard that there are some pretty crazy animals in your native Australia, but I don’t live there so who cares. Unless of course there’s some sort of land/water hybrid that is capable of running through the outback, swimming across the Indian Ocean, around the tip of Africa, and up through the South and North Atlantic Oceans. But I’m not too worried about that. I mean, what are the odds of two horrible things from Australia coming over to America in the same century? There are some species here in the States though that really freak me out/make me cry/scare me/gross me out/annoy me. So here are the nominees, in no particular order:
1. The Ferret
What. The. Hell. It’s like there was a deadline to meet 2,500 years ago to get a ferret prototype out on the market and somebody dropped the ball. So the project manager was all, “Come on boys, we can’t let corporate down! Somebody grab a snake, dip it in glue, roll it in pubes, and stick some tiny legs on it. What? That’s gross? Well stick a baby bear head on it and prepare to fall in love.” I am certain that had this been a challenge on Celebrity Apprentice, Donald Trump would not have been amused…you’re fired.
2. The Crane Fly
More commonly known as the “mosquito hawk”, these crazy fools need an intervention asap. Ever notice how they always fly around in groups? This can only mean one thing…they love to party. Also ever notice that they seem to have considerable trouble maintaining a consistent altitude? They’re always going up and down, up and down…well it’s because they’re drunk. These guys can’t hang. They love the night life, or at least a well lit porch; but not unlike most 110 lb 16 year old girls at their first frat party, they are in way over their heads. The species are very different, but the outcome is often the same. They wake up flat on their backs somewhere saying, “What happened last night?”
3. The Mediterranean Gecko
Awww, I feel bad for this little guy. I don’t think he ever intended to be clear at all! Obviously what happened was that he was in homeroom one day, sitting alone of course because he wasn’t that popular; and overheard some jock-geckos talking about how “cool” it would be to be see-through. Jocks are known for being buttheads, and jock-geckos are no different. Well Mr. Unpopular, secretly wanting nothing more than to fit it with the cool-g’s, decides then and there to become clear! After school he goes home and drinks a potion (given to him by the local apothecary-gecko of course), that will turn his skin translucent overnight. Imagine the horror the next day when he struts into the pep rally in all his crystalline glory, only to be met with laughter and ridicule. I’m sure this little trooper put on a brave face and tried to laugh it off, but I’m willing to bet he was crying on the inside…and unfortunately everyone could see it.
4. The Tarantula
I’m against wearing fur, and basically this non-pc mf has decided to wear a fur coat every day of its life. Enough said.
5. The Great White Shark
The feelings I have toward the great white are very complex. And seeing as how I have no psychological training whatsoever, I have diagnosed myself as suffering from Stockholm syndrome. Great whites scare the freckles off of me, always have. Ever since I was five years old and saw Jaws (thanks Dad) I’ve had this completely irrational fear of them; but at the same time, if one were standing here next to me and said, “Hey sexy, fancy a moonlight dip in the ocean?”, I know where I’d be tonight.
I think I hear a dingo eating my baby,
-JR
