Dear Curtis Stone,
A change has to be made. I cannot, I will not allow you to negatively influence my life anymore! At some point, I just have to accept the fact that you are a supreme douche-canoe and move on with my life. The road ahead is sure to be difficult, but I am optimistic that positivity will prevail! The truth will set you free! Keep hope alive! Another exclamatory phrase!
To show you how positively positive I am now, here’s a handful of things that make me want to grab cousin Larry and do the happy dance…
1. Having the urge to laugh at a totally inappropriate time or place.
Chuckling in church? Yowsa. Snickering in school? Bring it. Laughing is one of the best things in the world anyway; but feeling that little tickle in your tummy as you realize what’s about to happen…there aren’t many things as enjoyable. The best course of action when this happens is to flee the scene, which is always difficult because as everyone knows, the only sure-fire way to keep those guffaws under wraps is to remain perfectly still and avoid all eye-contact. Any sort of movement will undoubtedly trigger the first audible giggle, and then all bets are off. And don’t even think about trying to escape any situation where people are sitting in rows (see: church, ballet, wedding…) It is biologically impossible to stifle laughter while scooting in front of people and trying to mumble “excuse me” over and over. So stay in your seat, think of something sad (the SPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan singing always work for me) and just enjoy the feeling!
2. People who high-five excessively.
I love love love to be on the receiving end of a high-five, it just tickles my funny bone! I am not a very confident high-fiver though, so it always makes me wonder what goes through a person’s head that makes them proclaim, “I am so pumped right now! I must connect five of my fingers with the five fingers of someone near me!” Well I am more than willing to be that individual. The problem though, is that I love high-fivers a little too much, and once that ball starts rolling I begin to feel the need to high-five any and all situations. New job? High-five! Got an “A” on a test? High-five! Kick-ass parking spot at the mall? You guessed it…high-five! Don’t even get me started about how awesome double high-fives are…
3. Finally remembering something you’d been trying to recall.
You know how it feels, not being able to remember something; but knowing full well the “something” is somewhere in your brain…if you could only find it! What was her name again? Who wrote that one song? Where were we that one time on that one day when that one thing happened? The agony. Oh, but when you do finally remember that “something”; hot damn it feels good! Never mind the fact that you just screamed out “Snuffleupagus!” in the middle of the post office (because it’s a proven fact that when you finally do remember the “something”, the name/phrase comes flying out of your mouth at insane decibel levels), you can now breathe a sigh of relief. The torture is over, move on with your life.
4. Getting engaged.
No jokes here, getting engaged is seriously awesome. You were lucky enough to meet the person you’ve decided to spend the rest of your life with, and now it’s official! So rejoice in the excitement of the upcoming months. There’s going to be planning, tons of planning…and presents, so many presents! There’s also quite a bit of coordinating…and mediating…and decision making…and money spending. A lot of money spending. Come to think of it, there’s a lot of writing too! Wedding invitations, rsvp cards, shower invitations, bachelor/bachelorette party invitations; and the thank you notes!! Oh my, the thousands of thank you notes you will write! The amount of money you will spend on stamps alone is really going to make you smile. Just remember, it is a lot of work, but with a huge payoff in the end (the open bar helps). Getting engaged is awesome… but being married is better. Congratulations Brandon and Talya!
A change has to be made. I cannot, I will not allow you to negatively influence my life anymore! At some point, I just have to accept the fact that you are a supreme douche-canoe and move on with my life. The road ahead is sure to be difficult, but I am optimistic that positivity will prevail! The truth will set you free! Keep hope alive! Another exclamatory phrase!
To show you how positively positive I am now, here’s a handful of things that make me want to grab cousin Larry and do the happy dance…
1. Having the urge to laugh at a totally inappropriate time or place.
Chuckling in church? Yowsa. Snickering in school? Bring it. Laughing is one of the best things in the world anyway; but feeling that little tickle in your tummy as you realize what’s about to happen…there aren’t many things as enjoyable. The best course of action when this happens is to flee the scene, which is always difficult because as everyone knows, the only sure-fire way to keep those guffaws under wraps is to remain perfectly still and avoid all eye-contact. Any sort of movement will undoubtedly trigger the first audible giggle, and then all bets are off. And don’t even think about trying to escape any situation where people are sitting in rows (see: church, ballet, wedding…) It is biologically impossible to stifle laughter while scooting in front of people and trying to mumble “excuse me” over and over. So stay in your seat, think of something sad (the SPCA commercials with Sarah McLachlan singing always work for me) and just enjoy the feeling!
2. People who high-five excessively.
I love love love to be on the receiving end of a high-five, it just tickles my funny bone! I am not a very confident high-fiver though, so it always makes me wonder what goes through a person’s head that makes them proclaim, “I am so pumped right now! I must connect five of my fingers with the five fingers of someone near me!” Well I am more than willing to be that individual. The problem though, is that I love high-fivers a little too much, and once that ball starts rolling I begin to feel the need to high-five any and all situations. New job? High-five! Got an “A” on a test? High-five! Kick-ass parking spot at the mall? You guessed it…high-five! Don’t even get me started about how awesome double high-fives are…
3. Finally remembering something you’d been trying to recall.
You know how it feels, not being able to remember something; but knowing full well the “something” is somewhere in your brain…if you could only find it! What was her name again? Who wrote that one song? Where were we that one time on that one day when that one thing happened? The agony. Oh, but when you do finally remember that “something”; hot damn it feels good! Never mind the fact that you just screamed out “Snuffleupagus!” in the middle of the post office (because it’s a proven fact that when you finally do remember the “something”, the name/phrase comes flying out of your mouth at insane decibel levels), you can now breathe a sigh of relief. The torture is over, move on with your life.
4. Getting engaged.
No jokes here, getting engaged is seriously awesome. You were lucky enough to meet the person you’ve decided to spend the rest of your life with, and now it’s official! So rejoice in the excitement of the upcoming months. There’s going to be planning, tons of planning…and presents, so many presents! There’s also quite a bit of coordinating…and mediating…and decision making…and money spending. A lot of money spending. Come to think of it, there’s a lot of writing too! Wedding invitations, rsvp cards, shower invitations, bachelor/bachelorette party invitations; and the thank you notes!! Oh my, the thousands of thank you notes you will write! The amount of money you will spend on stamps alone is really going to make you smile. Just remember, it is a lot of work, but with a huge payoff in the end (the open bar helps). Getting engaged is awesome… but being married is better. Congratulations Brandon and Talya!
-JR
Hey Gumbo Butter! thanks for the well wishes! sorry i missed you at Cy's party- we will be down to the LC to celebrate with you soon! Until then mark your calandar for the best wedding ever-> march 19,2011!!
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