Dear Curtis Stone,
I’ve been thinking about how I might react were we ever to meet in person, and frankly the idea of seeing you face to face has turned my brunette locks gray overnight. You see Curtis, while you claim to be a gentleman; I am the epitome of a lady. And no matter what amount of hatred I have for you on the inside, I would rather slide teeth first down a chalkboard than be rude to your tanned Australian mug. Luckily for both of us though, there are five phrases that when spoken immediately before or after an insult, make everything ok!! Here’s the breakdown, with an example of each for your future reference:
1. Don’t take this the wrong way…
“Don’t take this the wrong way…but I would rather chew on tinfoil than listen to you speak for another minute.” See? The person was clearly instructed to not take it the wrong way, so no harm done!
2. Hey, the truth hurts…
“Cute? Actually no, your baby isn’t cute at all; but he was awesome in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Hey, the truth hurts…” The truth does hurt! You are simply stating a fact. And by definition a fact is a pragmatic truth!
3. I’m just saying…
“Look, I realize your daughter is only five years-old, and I think it’s great that she can play the piano. But would it kill her to put a little feeling behind her rendition of Moonlight Sonata? She’s not going to amount to much at this rate…I’m just saying.” What a good friend you are! Two words: constructive criticism.
4. With all do respect…
“With all do respect sir; you are a supreme douche-canoe.” Let’s face it, even DC’s need to be told what’s what every once in a while, but should always know they are respected. It’s practically a compliment!
5. That totally came out the wrong way…
“I hate you and never want to see you again. Wait, that totally came out the wrong way…What I meant to say was, I love you! Wait, that totally came out the wrong way…” This is a personal favorite of mine because it can be repeated over and over until both parties are so confused that you can then just run away. Just make sure you’re the fast one.
I hope this helps you not be such a butthead. Wait, that totally came out the wrong way…
-JR
I’ve been thinking about how I might react were we ever to meet in person, and frankly the idea of seeing you face to face has turned my brunette locks gray overnight. You see Curtis, while you claim to be a gentleman; I am the epitome of a lady. And no matter what amount of hatred I have for you on the inside, I would rather slide teeth first down a chalkboard than be rude to your tanned Australian mug. Luckily for both of us though, there are five phrases that when spoken immediately before or after an insult, make everything ok!! Here’s the breakdown, with an example of each for your future reference:
1. Don’t take this the wrong way…
“Don’t take this the wrong way…but I would rather chew on tinfoil than listen to you speak for another minute.” See? The person was clearly instructed to not take it the wrong way, so no harm done!
2. Hey, the truth hurts…
“Cute? Actually no, your baby isn’t cute at all; but he was awesome in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Hey, the truth hurts…” The truth does hurt! You are simply stating a fact. And by definition a fact is a pragmatic truth!
3. I’m just saying…
“Look, I realize your daughter is only five years-old, and I think it’s great that she can play the piano. But would it kill her to put a little feeling behind her rendition of Moonlight Sonata? She’s not going to amount to much at this rate…I’m just saying.” What a good friend you are! Two words: constructive criticism.
4. With all do respect…
“With all do respect sir; you are a supreme douche-canoe.” Let’s face it, even DC’s need to be told what’s what every once in a while, but should always know they are respected. It’s practically a compliment!
5. That totally came out the wrong way…
“I hate you and never want to see you again. Wait, that totally came out the wrong way…What I meant to say was, I love you! Wait, that totally came out the wrong way…” This is a personal favorite of mine because it can be repeated over and over until both parties are so confused that you can then just run away. Just make sure you’re the fast one.
I hope this helps you not be such a butthead. Wait, that totally came out the wrong way…
-JR
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